This chapter could easily have been called, “How I developed Turretts” or “Life in the Canine Triage MASH Unit”.
After the grisly discovery of a baseball sized lump on Jackson’s John Thomas, the next step of course was surgery. $700 later (and no, they do not include Vaseline with that purchase, you must supply your own) we have a 4 inch incision right beside the hooha, (or penis, or shaft, or whatever you prefer).
The first night home was not that bad, as Jack was stoned out of his head, only moaning occasionally to register disorientation and general disgust with the situation.
However, for the next three nights, he was sleeping on my bed, and, as he was already very fond of his penis, now we had a bloody incision right beside the penis which was oozing bloody serum. What were the chances he would leave that alone? Bloody none whatsoever.
OF course, the vet sends me home with very vague care instructions, my personal favorite being number 4 on the list, “Keep the pet from licking the incision site”. That’s a nice one. How do you stop a dog who loves licking his privates in any case, licking the incision beside the privates?????
Needless to say after three solid nights of waking up every 20 minutes to wrestle his head away from his incision and yelling, “NO LICKIES!!!” I have become a mental trainwreck. I just get to sleep and his wound starts seeping onto the patchwork of old towels I have put down at the foot of the bed. Then he starts dobbing the blood with his nose, and then starts the licking, and ends with me bolting upright yelling, “NO LICKIES” of course to no avail, and the twisted cycle begins all over again.
I start to fantasize about a rubber mallot, with which to either conk him out with or perhaps myself.
The next week we finally obtain the lampshade from the vet, a horrendously huge contraption that of course Jackson is completely mortified by. One would think, oh good, that means he can’t lick the incision, so you must be getting more sleep. OH if that were true.
Jackson’s incision is still leaking bloody serum after 11 days (which the vet says is normal as the incision is a BIG one, so now if it starts leaking in the middle of the night, he gets all agitated, and starts sniffing (otherwise known as Bingo Dobbing with the big Brown Rubber Dobber) on the spot on the bed, which to me translates into waking up momentarily confused, wondering why the entire bed is vibrating and I start to wonder how I have ended up at some cheap motel with one of those vibrating beds?
I am still bolting up yelling, “NO LICKIES” every time the bed moves. This is becoming a serious problem.
11 days of washing bloody towels, washing bloody drips off the carpet, doctoring the wound, dodging the giant cone in the morning when he gets right up to my face to tell me its time to get up as you can almost be blinded by the plastic cone hitting you in the head…BUT the good news is that we discovered Benedryl, which not only helps with the itch, but also has the added benefit of transporting Jackson into a state of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”…aaaaahhhh…a stoned dog is a happy dog!
I am happy to report that eventually his wound did stop seeping, and healed up quite nicely. Unfortunately I have developed this psychotic side effect from the trauma of being Nurse Hoolihan in the Canine MASH unit, and even now still bolt up in the middle of the night yelling, “NO LICKIES!!”
I wonder if there’s a Self-Help group for my problem.